Saved by the Baby

I've always believed that babies are a blessing to be loved. Even as a young child I could not understand why I was not loved. I had dreamed of one day being able to have a baby to love, to give her the love I wanted. Some how by being able to do that I could love me.

So how did I end up as an 18 year old bent on destruction? I escaped the torture at home, only to be thrown into a different type of torture. One of my own doing, only I didn't realize that at the time. Looking back now as an adult I can see some of the whys I did what I did. I felt like if men were going to take advantage of me, then I was going to try and control some of it. Like the who, if I could pick who was going to hurt me... then I had some control. I also found out about drugs and drinking, they gave me more "control". I could make myself numb to the pain and hurt. Those thoughts of control were always lies I told myself. Lies that gave me a false security that I longed for.

During that year I took many chances with my life. Feeling unloved, unwanted and unneeded will give anyone reason to feel like life didn't matter. I can look back now and see many times where even despite my lifestyle, God protected me. Even before I gave my life to Him, He loved me. He saw something in me that I could not see. He even knew what it was going to take to save me from myself.

Oh no... I might be pregnant! Words no young, unwed, all alone girl wants to hear. I was late and now very scared. I can't even begin to explain why I had peace. I had no reason to feel any type of peace. What was I going to do? How could I take care of a baby when I was not even able to take care of myself? For some reason I even had some excitement over the thought of a baby coming. Of course everyone helped take that excitement away pretty quickly. I should feel shame and embarrassment, not peace and joy. One thing was for sure, my life was changing. That very moment I knew I needed to clean my life up, no more destruction. I had a reason to live!

Even now looking back at my life, I know that God allowed that baby to come to save me. That now 22 year old, gave me reason to live. If it wasn't for that little baby, I might not be here today sharing my story with you. It would take me 5 more years before I would allow another baby to truly save me. Then another 13 years another baby will help me finally heal. I will share both of those stories soon.